sakibakidaki

on my way back from bukit jalil after a nice match, relieved that i’m wearing yellow instead of blue like my other two siblings, i’ve been thinking about what Aten had said last year.

Last year and I only took it seriously now?

not really..she keeps on repeating the line all over whenever anything strucks me

"kau takut disakiti hingga menyakiti"

I think it’s true. Having my friends get ditch by their boyfriend hurts me…I know if I ever be in their shoes, I can’t handle it. I’m afraid to be hurt, and because of that I rather not experiencing whatever sweet moment that maybe I could treasure if I had a boyfriend.

But now I realise that having myself not to be hurt, might hurt others who came to me. The only way to not hurt those who could possibly be hurt by me is to avoid as many people as possible. To avoid people means i’m isolating myself. In my "usaha" towards isolating myself, I get alienated by people. Somehow, I still get hurt but in different angle…u see? Life’s too complicated for me.

And it’s hard for me to trust words. Words betray me all the time. ( if only u know what i mean, if no, don’t ask ) I still believe that action speaks louder than words. I STILL DO. and always will.

the conclusion?

aku takut didekati. aku tak mahu disakiti. aku takut disakiti. menyebabkan aku menyakiti.

paham?

p/s : aku x rase pon akan jumpe bende atau org yg akan mengatasi ketakutan aku tuh..sigh

I saw a bulletin the other day asking, "Why are you single?" I usually respond because of my egoistical need for everyone to know my opinion. The reason I didn’t is because I couldn’t come up with a one line answer that summed it all up…hence a blog. So, here’s 16 reason

1.Because I like hanging out with my friends. You would too, but you seem to need my undivided attention EVERY TIME we go out.

2. I don’t get lonely. I know how to occupy myself and enjoy my own company. I know that may be hard to realize, but if you had that quality too, I would like you more.

3. I recognize the advantages to being single, and I see the glass half full.

4. Because I have a hard time believing anything you say.

5. Because I am not going to change. I may grow up a little, but I am set….thank you.

6. Because I can’t  understand what you could possibly see in me. You must have low standards.

7. Because you mistake my kindness for weakness. You seem to think that I will do almost anything for you because I am scared to lose you. Never stopping to think that maybe I am just a good girl who cares about you.

8. I think Sponge Bob Square Pants is funny as hell.

9. I never found the guy who can keeps me laughing non-stop for 5 minutes other than my big brother.

10. I can’t keep promises so I don’t want to make any.

11. I hate breaking hearts. that includes mine.

12. I have activities that keeps me occupied all day long.

13. U don’t believe I’m a good cook and I can sew.

14. I don’t feel the urge to have one when all my friend does. I’m living in my own angkasaraya.

15. what’s wrong being single???

16. single is the only way i’ve ever known.

I am single because I know this: I know am not going to be single forever and know that there are certain things you can do while single that you can’t when your not. You may be a cool guy but, I can live without you just fine. If you want me to hate being single, that’s up to you. =)

okay, so here’s the controversial one.

i promised the girls to write this thing and it won’t be broken. i don’t give a damn to whatever u guys might think after reading…i JUST don’t

-boys of integomb-

they should be called BOYS instead of guys cause all of them are really immature though they might be excellent in add math ngan physics.

I will never forget the un-gentlemen-ness surrounding. our boys cut line at the dining hall. at koperasi they always yell to buy some stupid blueberry bun to fill their bloody stomach. during classes they turn out late and get in to the lab first ignoring the girls who have waited at least 5 minutes before them-it’s so unfair! in the bus they’ll never stand and give the seat to any girl standing. they didn’t help to clean the class (except during hari gotong-royong). they laugh at us when they’re going to f1 without us. taking rewards they don’t deserve..etc etc.

the most pathetic thing about integomb boys especially the f5 student is you cannot shut up their fucking mouth who keeps on mengumpat-ing the girls…eventually when i wrote, sum of them will read this and they’ll spread whatever i wrote in here to the whole batch..i am a fortune teller, u see.. they’re so predictable cuz the modus operandi never differ.

but someone diverted my perception…someONE..but EVERYone is still the same..

conclusion, having a boyfriend from integomb is a stupid desicion.

thank you.

yay..finally i’m home again after a week of super hectic schedule at school. its sunday without sun… since it’s sunday, So of course.. here I am going crazy. What is it about Sundays that completely throw me off? I know it must have something to do with that Sunday air. You can feel it. It’s actually takes more energy to walk through Sunday air than any other day because it’s so thick. It weighs me down. People tend to pair Sunday with God. I think the opposite is true. Sunday is the devils’ work. Ok.. so, for all of you extremely religious people, I don’t literally mean the devils’ work. I just think it’s shouldn’t be paired with good.~

To be perfectly fair to Sunday, I don’t think that’s the only reason why I’ve felt weird lately. I’m just sort of scapegoating Sunday. It’s easy to blame the day before school. It’s easy to blame the day I don’t get to see anybody. It’s easy to blame the day with the thick air. Generally, I’ve felt different lately. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. I feel like I need to tell someone something. I feel like there’s something I need to get out. But that’s just it… I have nothing to tell. I haven’t done anything.. so why do I feel like I’m keeping a secret from the world? Ok. So that was insanely cliche. But at least I got my point across, right? Although you are rolling your eyes, at least you understand.~

I could feel we were right there, so I laid it down, everything I wanted to tell him, and… and he says to me, he says… "Nobody should ever need another person that badly." Do you believe that? "Nobody should ever…!" What is that? Is that something you saw on TV?  I’m saying I love you, is that so wrong? Is that not allowed anymore?  And so what if I did need him? Is that so bad? All right, crucify me, I need him! So what! I don’t want to be by myself, I’m by myself I feel like I’m going out of my mind, I do. I sit there, I’m thinking forget it, I’m not gonna make it through the next ten seconds. I just can’t stand it. But I do, somehow, I get through the ten seconds, but then I have to do it all over again, cause they just keep coming, all these… Seconds, floating by, while I’m waiting for something to happen, I don’t know what, a car wreck, a nuclear war or something, that sounds awful but at least there’d be this instant when I’d know I was alive. Just once. Cause I look in the mirror, and I can’t believe I’m really there. I can’t believe that’s me.

p/s : lol rofl lmao lmfao… use real words just type "hahahaha" or something bastards. My friendster has exploded with all people i know in real life (except deadsy) thanks to everybody for making me feel so popular. i am working towards the drumset for teachers day and if it does happen with no money involved it would be supercool… and i added some more pics of beautiful me. have a nice day.

So here I sit, alone, once again…I am just so damn dramatic.Or am I? Later, I will realize that my every insecure, exaggerated thought was appropriate and sane. I hope not, though. God, I hope not, because that would mean that every good thing that has ever happened to me has been a lie.Ooh! A lie! How very cliche…

but that’s me. I’m a cliche. That’s what I am. A very pathetic, yet charming cliche.

Anyway- back to my trite rant….

I know what I need. It’s not really working out though. My medication is temporarily out of stock…metaphorically. I didn’t get my daily dose and now I must admit I’m feeling a bit balmy without it. I hate to be a bother.  Maybe I’m being  infantile, but I’m falling apart.  Focus. Just, focus.

What game shall we play today? It may seem like a small thing to someone else…but it’s a big deal to me. I guess you could say I’m hypersensitive…but that’s only half true. I’m pretty thick-skinned to idiotic comments made by anyone….except for the people close to me. That, I take hard. Especially, when it is without explanation. Hell, all I want is the slightest apologetic facade.

Honey, understand, I won’t make demands.

hari ni aku dah delete lebih 300 testi..apsal org suke beg utk testi..

"plz plz nak testi."

bodola korang..

mintak maapla kepada penulis2 testi yg dah di delete itu..

3 things about MY testimonial

1.it should be words DESCRIBING me

2.smileys,bears,roses is a big NO NO

3.warm wishes, hi and hellos should go to my inbox..click the ’send a message’ box instead of ‘add a testimonial’ box when u want to send me one.

it took a lot of time and energy to delete all of the testi….darrrnnnn…..i’ve finished 3 plate of sandwich doing the core…damn it!

and still there’s a lot more crap in my testi…kene sambung kerja lagi lah ni..

p/s : i WANT THAT DAMN STRAW HAT!!!

cuti ni mmg aku tak dapat langsung nak spend ngan family.

benci gile.

mak ngan ayah aku pon asyik kerja..patutnya diorang cuti starting from 16..we’re planning to go back to visit nenek..aku dah rindu sangat ngan nenek..ntah macam mana ayah ade hal ngan business dia, mama pulak on call…so, esok hari jumaat pagi diorang nak balek kampung..

no way aku ikut..buat penat je nanti hari sabtu kene balek umah balek..aku patut nak balek dulu time awal cuti, tapi diorang tak kasi sebab suruh dok umah spend time ngan diorang la kunun..walhal sendiri pegi keje..

yeah i act like a kid..pedulik hape..

pengajaran : jangan kawin ngan orang yg ade kaitan ngan medical line..nanti suka-suka hati je tak boleh cuti…

aku selalu lambat..yer yer..tapi kad outing aku setakat ni tak pernah merah pon lagi..kenapa topik lambat yg dibangkitkan? semalam time org sume g amik result spm, aku telah buat org marah sebab tunggu aku naik escalator dan beli tiket kat stesen imbi..bermulalah satu cerita……

aku,husna ngan aimi jumpe kat time square..mula2nya husna ajak aku gi low yatt nak beli modem tetapi setelah dinasihatkan oleh aku untuk register streamyx, kitorang pon sepakat tros g sungei wang plaza then..lepas berpusing2 cam org gile…aku call king, dia kate nak balek dah..kalau nak gerak pi stesen bukit bintang..aku ngan aimi time tu kat metrojaya..kitorang pon gerak la dari metrojaya pi stesen bb..dahla menapak bapak jauh..then aku call lagi sebab tak nampak bayang diorang..sekali tukar stesen imbi pulak…terpaksala aku patah balik all the way jalan kitorang tadi..surely nampak cam org bodoh yg sesat jalan..then time nak dekat2 sampai kat escalator imbi tuh, kerana terlalu kepenatan dan kehausan, aku ngan aimi gi la starbux..cam biasa la favourite aku frumba+whipped cream kan kan..aimi lak order raspberry..(timaceh aimi belanja aku..heheh)…

dipendekkan ceritanya..disebabkan oleh frumba aku kene marah oleh..(jap aku kira..king,capek,amad,aiman,syamim,azmeer ngan adelagi ramai) 6+ orang…amik ubat..lain kali cakapla btol2 mane satu..imbi ke bb..cisss..tapi aku masih lagi bersalah sebab buat sume org tunggu..

aku mintak maaf la kat sume org sebab bazir masa korang…yerla yerla..

kawan aku pon tak ramai…aku cakap pasal integomb la..someone had requested for this blog earlier tapi aku tak buat2 pon…so,…argh,bace je lahh

girls

well, aku pon bukan ramai sangat kawan pompuan…sebabnya? banyak sgt…tapi aku mmg tak suke kalau dak2 pompuan yg prefer cakap belakang@ mengumpat..bagi aku kalau pompuan tu leh ngumpat pasal member2 lain ngan aku, dia pon leh ngumpat pasal aku kat member2 lain..so i prefer not to be too close to such people.

aimi - bestfriend aku yang paling wangi dan penyayang. somehow taun ni aku tak berapa rapat lak ngan dia.sob3. but still kalau shopping mesti ngan dia. hehehe

fatin - the best person in terms of nagging. ade ciri2 keibuan yang mesti korang sume tak nampak sebab dilindungi oleh cermin mate dia yang garang tuh. poetic, protective and very prone to sadness. kalau nak cite pasal thoughts of life, dia la orangnya yg paling tepat.

husna - hiphop? salah gile tekaan tuh. pendiam dan sangat berahsia orangnya. dia ni memang selalu tutup aib orang. tak pernah dengar dia cerita buruk pasal orang lain.

faridah - dormmate paling cool. stuff dia sume comel2 sampaikan kalau aku gi shopping dan ternampak mende2 comel mesti aku teringat kat dia nih. salah sorang member kesayangan aku.

farhana - budak cun yang otai. tapi kalau luar aspuri dia ni nampak baik je..hahahah

wani - dulu masa mula2 dia ni baik je. pelawak orangnya. pastuh selalu sponsor keropok batu malam2.

nabihah - kawan pertama aku kat integomb. banyak gak keje2 setan aku wat ngan dia. pastuh kalau dah buat mesti dia salahkan aku yg pengaruh dia..huhuhu

didi - dia ni kalau datang dorm aku surely time aku tgh kemas locker…pastuh selalu la tertidur kat bantal aku sebab tunggu aku habis kemas.

tu je la kot yg bagi kesan kat aku..sambung pulak dak laki..

king dollah - garang tapi caring

jon - ayuni

afiq - budak macho..ahhaha

raffae - musician yg hebat..aku nak curik fender dia, dah lama dahh…

haikal - drama king

acap musik - music box..hahah..dia ni poyo

azmeer - jambu malaya

acap buaya - buaya la

syafiq - golden voice with sore throat

hakim rodi - pemalu

ijat kaus - playful sgt2

azrin - smeagol ‘my preciousss’

aidil - bibir

irshad - cute

izwan - dak kecik

izdihar - faci bersama

kamarul - good leader

nasaai - best imam voted by the girls

tu je la..aku dah penat..sape takde name padan muke..kalau nak sila kontek aku..heheh..suke2 je aku cakap pasal org..sori ye jgn amik hati..sayang sume orang. LOL

Dengan Nama Allah yang Maha Pemurah lagi Maha Mengasihani

tak tau la macam mana nak mula.Tahun ni aku bersyukur betul aku berada di Integrasi Gombak. Tahun lepas aku mmg rebel gila. Buat kerja tak tentu hala. Izin Allah, aku jumpa ketenangan kat sana. Dah lama aku nak sambung belajar silat, dah lama benar…akhirnya ntah camne tahun ni Cikgu Shahril mengajar pula. Aku jumpa member lama minggu lepas, he hardly recognized me…To all my friends escpecially those living in Gombak, I really hope u’ll accept me as who I am for now. Dulu aku pernah cakap aku cari ketenangan yg immortal, Alhamdulillah. Aku mohon kepadaNya janganlah ditarik nikmat terbesar dalam hidup aku, ketenangan dari keredhaan hati terhadap semua benda yg terjadi. Aku juga nak cakap timaseh banyak2 kat org2 yg banyak tolong aku cari jalan tu dengan izin Allah- Parents, Abg Syazwan, Abg Dzul, Shaox, Kamarul, ngan semua senior2 SBPI Gombak(walaupun bukan semuanya..u know who u are)..Aku risau aku tak istiqamah, itu la yg paling menakutkan aku…to my parents million thanks to both of u for being so understanding, for accepting me as once a rebellious child, for all the prayers, for not giving up on me, for the faith and confidence u built in me.

aku dah mengerti..kenapa ada Melayu pakai tudung tapi bukak tudung bila sampai kat shopping complex..kenapa ada Melayu pegang tangan sesama bukan mahram tanpa segan silu walaupun awek bertudung….mak aku tak pernah paksa aku pakai tudung sebab aku selalu kata tanak jadi cam perempuan2 yg aku jumpa kat klcc tu. tapi ayah marah. sekarang aku pakai tudung, i’ve no reason to be like them. Aku dan mereka(perempuan2 itu) mungkin dikurniakan perspektif berbeza. Aku bersyukur aku jumpa diri aku sendiri tanpa perlu dipaksa. Aku masih lagi mengenal diri tapi aku tau aku dah berada kat lane yang betul. Perjuangan masih belum selesai…

Aku selalu malu melihat orang Melayu. Aku malu melihat bangsaku sendiri? Bila keluar topik Melayu semua orang sibuk bicara pasal remajanya yang dalam proses keruntuhan akhlak. Yang bertanggungjawab membentuknya macam mana pula? Ibubapa sendiri tunjuk contoh buruk pada anak-anak. Kat sekolah, aku nampak betul politik Melayu, sebab terlalu hendakkan jawatan sampaikan mempengaruhi orang menyokong diri dengan memburukkan pihak lawan. Aku sedih. Bila diberi teguran, buat muka keji. Tapi tak pernah pula diubah sikap atas teguran tadi. Ingatlah Allah sendiri berfirman dalam surah al-Asr yang kita baca hari-hari untuk tutup majlis, "Demi masa sesungguhnya manusia berada dalam kerugian kecuali orang yang beramal soleh dan berpesan-pesan kepada kebaikan". Sama-samalah kita berpesan-pesan. Manusia itu insan. Insan itu fitrahnya memang lupa. Bukan Melayu sahaja yang lupa. Sebab itulah kita perlukan rakan yang sentiasa mengingatkan. Kalau kamu merasa benci kepada rakan yang sentiasa mengingatkan kamu tergolong dalam golongan orang-orang yang rugi. Kebenaran itu kadangkala menyakitkan tetapi perlukah kita hidup gembira didalam pembohongan? Fikirkan..